Before You Cut Them Off, Try This
4 min
While writing this week's newsletter about mastering the art of self-soothing, a friend shared an Instagram post in our group chat that prompted me to rethink the topic. The post from The Good Quote read:
"I quietly remove myself from situations now. I'm not over-explaining myself, I'm not going back & forth, I'm not looking for closure, I'm not causing a scene, nothing. You'll just never hear from me again. I'm done overextending myself for others."
The post resonated deeply with me as it mirrored my tendency to silently withdraw from difficult situations, a habit I once prided myself on for maintaining emotional control. For years, this was my default response until a podcast seven years ago shed light on how such behavior could be perceived as silent treatment, manipulative, and emotionally abusive—perspectives I had never considered. This realization was pivotal, prompting me to reevaluate my approach. Reading the post reaffirmed the importance of self-soothing, leading me to integrate these insights into this piece.
At face value, the post advocates for healthy boundary-setting and self-preservation, urging us to disengage from draining situations without dramatic exits. It acknowledges the need for space during overwhelming moments without losing emotional control, an experience I often faced. However, this approach can become rigid when broadly applied. Effective boundaries should be flexible and contextually appropriate to prevent isolation from growth and meaningful interactions. Striking a balance is crucial, where we protect our well-being without closing off opportunities for resolution and deeper understanding.
When faced with challenges, our goal should be to detach from intensity without severing connections. It's about calming emotions first and finding a new path forward, not abruptly shutting down as the post's narrator implies. Self-soothing practices are vital here, creating safety, reconnecting with our bodies, and regulating emotions to approach situations thoughtfully. They provide reassurance to explore dynamics, consider perspectives, and envision constructive engagement without complete disconnection.
Self-soothing is personal and varies for everyone. Here are seven tips that help me self-soothe during difficult moments:
Focus on Your Breath: Placing one hand on your heart and the other on your belly while breathing deeply engages the parasympathetic nervous system, promoting relaxation. When I feel overwhelmed by a person or situation, I take a few minutes to practice deep breathing, which helps center me and clears my mind.
Talk to a Loved One: Meaningful social interactions can release oxytocin, reducing stress and providing emotional relief. Sometimes, a brief chat with a close friend or family member can remind me that I am not alone in my struggles.
Allow Yourself to Cry: Crying releases feel-good chemicals that alleviate pain. I've found that allowing myself to cry when I'm feeling stressed or sad provides a release that is both physically and emotionally refreshing.
Use Positive Affirmations: Repeating affirmations like "I am safe. I can let my guard down. I can relax" can reframe negative thoughts and promote relaxation. I keep a list of affirmations on my phone that I can refer to whenever I need a quick boost of positivity.
Disconnect and Walk: Turning off your phone and walking reduces stress hormones and boosts mood. During a particularly stressful day, a walk in the park can make a world of difference, helping me return with a clearer perspective.
Journal: Reflecting through journaling provides clarity and deeper self-awareness. Journaling has become my daily routine, providing a space to connect with my emotions and gain a clearer perspective on my life. In particular, using the guided format of the MyKume Journal helps me identify, understand, and become comfortable with the emotions that describe my state of being and create language around what I am experiencing. It also gives me more self-assurance and confidence in expressing myself clearly and directly.
Enjoy Comfort Food and a Movie: This combination triggers dopamine release, creating comfort and pleasure. Cooking my favorite meal and watching a feel-good movie allows me to unwind and find joy in simple pleasures.
These tactics are part of a toolkit I continue to refine and expand as I learn more about myself and what I need to support healthy interpersonal relationships. They enable me to feel understood, heard, and seen, fostering openness to understanding others and their perspectives.
Self-soothing is an ongoing journey. I encourage you to reflect on your own practices, as they provide space to gain clarity, understand challenges holistically, and approach situations with grace. This process reveals pathways to better choices and future possibilities.
Sign up for our curated weekly Kume House Musings newsletter with stories and inspiration on life, love, well-being, and much more delivered right to your inbox.